


Sometimes It's Hard To Tell

by paperclip_star



Category: Dangan Ronpa: Another Episode
Genre: M/M, it's cold
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 05:56:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13652826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperclip_star/pseuds/paperclip_star
Summary: Sometimes it's hard to tell when you're in love.





	Sometimes It's Hard To Tell

They were all gathered around the restaurant table, Kotoko dramatically retelling something that had happened to her today during play rehearsal. As she spoke, Jataro only half listened from the place next to her. His eyes were trained on his water glass that was leaking condensation onto the wooden table. A thought tugged in his brain about how this reminded him of the time he went to Monaka's house for the first time and her mother had forced them all to use coasters, which normally he would spout right now, but over the years he had learned to think those things out on the inside. Kinda like how he had dealt with a lot of things most days.  
  
A drop slid down the glass and splashed onto the table, entering the forming puddle at the base. Absently, his fingers brushed the table top, reminding himself that the wood was polished and wouldn't be ruined by the water marks. It would be silly to put raw wood tables in a restaurant.  
  
"--And then!" Kotoko was getting increasingly louder, "He just dumped out the entire bucket and put it on his head as a costume!" Monaka and Masaru laughed, "It was dripping everywhere!"  
  
Jataro had obviously missed something funny, but he forced laughter too, wondering if Monaka knew how cute it was that she covered her mouth when she laughed or if Masaru knew his eyes sparkled when he was amused or if Kotoko knew she was pretty when she looked proud or if Nagisa--  
  
Jataro's eyes flicked across the table. Nagisa looked tired most days. College was giving him hell for taking hard classes but despite his upcoming exams he still came to hang out. And Jataro was glad. Life wasn't the same without him, even when he was being quiet like tonight.  
  
Jataro made a note to ask him about that later when no one was listening.  
  
Nagisa looked away from Kotoko and caught Jataro's eyes, giving him a small smile.  
  
His heart stopped in his chest--not literally though because he would have died.  
  
Jataro had known Nagisa his whole life. He knew everything about him; seen him excited, broken, angry, and even without pants! and over the years of seeing him with or without pants, Jataro had discovered some indescribable feelings.  
  
He felt something about Nagisa. He felt better when he was around, he liked his jokes and thought about holding his hand or kissing him sometimes, too, which was bad. He had done his best to keep those things quiet when he was with his friends.  
  
Nagisa smiling at him made them all bubble up again, though, like thousands of ugly flies in his brain flocking towards a rotten carrot or something.  
  
Jataro longed to be sitting next to Nagisa right now. Maybe, if he was lucky, Nagisa's hand might brush his on accident and he'd have something to think about for a month until it happened again.  
  
"Are you, like, having a staring contest?" Kotoko asked. Nagisa looked away and Jataro hadn't even realized he was staring.  
  
"Yes, and you just made me lose." Nagisa sighed.  
  
Kotoko laughed, "Whoops, sorry. You two have been super quiet--"  
  
"They're probably reading each other's minds." Masaru shrugged.  
  
"Or playing footsie." Monaka teased.  
  
Almost on purpose, Nagisa's foot brushed Jataro's, "We are not."  
  
"I see you have more important things going on than listening to your friend talk about her very exciting day." Kotoko said, feigning annoyance.  
  
"Sorry." Nagisa said, "I'll try to act more amused by your god awful stories. Carry on."  
  
Kotoko gasped, clutching her chest, Monaka covered a laugh, and Masaru lost it, laying his head down on the table to laugh.  
  
Jataro knew Nagisa was only teasing Kotoko and he smiled, wondering if Nagisa knew how good he looked when he was smug.  
  
"I'm uninviting you from Monaka and I's wedding." Kotoko said to Nagisa, "You can still come, though." she told Jataro.  
  
"I never agreed to marry you, Kotoko." Monaka said which earned a laugh from everyone.  
  
Suddenly, the table was filled with noise as Kotoko complained and Jataro was allowed to fade away, watching the way Nagisa's mouth formed words. His pink lips were a little chapped but looked soft nonetheless and Jataro mused, for only a second, how it might have felt to touch them with his fingers or his own lips or his tongue right now.  
  
Kotoko smacked into him, clinging to his arm, jostling him back to the real world, "Say it isn't so!"  
  
Jataro blinked, looking away from Nagisa's lips and to the girl on his arm. She looked up at him helplessly.  
  
"Say what isn't so?"  
  
"Tell Monaka you love me more than Nagisa!"  
  
Jataro had never been good at jokes but he tried for one anyway, hoping to stick the landing, "I'm not supposed to lie."  
  
Masaru was laughing so hard that tears rolled down his cheeks and Monaka was there with him, not even bothering to cover her mouth. Nagisa laughed too, which made Jataro warm inside and Kotoko was fuming but not in a real angry way.  
  
Jataro liked this a lot.

  
After dinner, they split up outside the restaurant. Kotoko and Monaka headed left for Monaka's house, Masaru headed right for his car, and Nagisa and Jataro stood side by side in the winter air, almost close enough to touch.  
  
When the night was silent, Nagisa spoke softly, "Do you want me to walk you home?"  
  
"I live far." Jataro reminded him, "And it's cold."  
  
"I don't mind." Nagisa said, offering his hand, "Let's get back before we freeze to death."  
  
Jataro looked at Nagisa's hand like it was a life preserver in the vast ocean that was about to swallow him whole. If he wanted to bad enough, he could pretend that Nagisa made everything better. If he wished hard enough, he could let Nagisa save him.  
  
Carefully, Jataro took his hand, fearing he might pull away. Maybe an outstretched hand was a different offer. A high five or maybe Jataro was supposed to give him something.  
Surprisingly, Nagisa accepted Jataro's gloved hand and they began the walk home.  
  
"Nagisa?" Jataro had been told to call Nagisa by his first name some time ago and now it was his favorite thing to say. "We're going the wrong way... If you care."  
  
Nagisa's hand was so warm, "I thought we could walk by the shops downtown since you like the lights so much. Is that okay?"  
  
Jataro wanted to mention how Nagisa also seemed to like the lights a lot, but he refrained.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did you have fun tonight?" Nagisa asked. They paused to look both directions before crossing a street.  
  
Any time he got to spend with Nagisa was good.  
  
"I did. Did you?"  
  
"I did. I like spending time with," there was a hesitation, "With everyone."  
  
"Me too." Jataro said. His friends were the best part of his life. Without them, he wouldn't have made it this far.  
  
Ahead of them, downtown emerged from the dark. Only a handful of people basked in the neon-and-christmas-light mix of colors and moods emitted by the strangely vacant town. Coffee shop windows had winter string lights and paper snowflakes, businesses had holiday sales posted near their neon close signs, and bars smelled of eggnog vodka and lit the world like lighthouses.  
  
Nagisa walked slow enough for Jataro to get his fill of glowing beauty and for that, he was thankful. Part of the charm the nightly winter city held was how everything sparkled but the other part was seeing Nagisa in a new light (literally).  
  
Jataro liked the way red lights gave him a purpley halo shine on his hair or the way his skin seemed reflective, making sense of the scar markers on his wrists and upper arms and making them glow ghostly white, or how under the christmas lights a candle shop put up, he could see Nagisa's red nose, cheeks, and ears.  
  
Nagisa caught him staring, "What?"  
  
Jataro wanted to say how he was feeling but he was afraid that Nagisa would find him strange. He swallowed his words.  
  
"Thank you for deciding to take this route with me."  
  
He meant so much more than that.  
  
"Well," Nagisa said, quietly as they passed a bar littered with patrons smoking cigars that eyed them suspiciously. Jataro wondered if Nagisa was going to let go of his hand.  
  
He didn't.  
  
"I like the lights, too." Nagisa admitted something Jataro already knew. Nagisa had admitted it years ago when they were kids. A night where Jataro and Nagisa stayed out past dark and clung to each other as they made their way home, nervous that shadows from the trees would capture them. When they crossed into the downtown area that night, they grew apart, eased by the friendly street lamps. Then, Nagisa uttered, "The lights are nice, aren't they?"  
  
"Jataro." Nagisa's voice roused him, "What are you thinking about?"  
  
Jataro looked up at him, "Remember when we stayed out too late when we were younger?"  
  
Nagisa smiled which was a sight prettier than any winter lights, "I do. Is that what you were thinking about?"  
  
"Mhm." He said.  
  
The fondness in Nagisa's eyes was hard to miss. He stopped at an intersection, looking both ways before tugging Jataro along. It was then that the snow began to fall.  
  
"It's snowing." Jataro told him. It had snowed a few times when Nagisa and Jataro were together. Once (Jataro's favorite time) when it snowed while Nagisa's parents were out of town, they built a blanket fort and spent a day curled up with each other, breathing in the scent of cocoa and warm tea and watching cheesy films until they fell asleep. He remembered waking up to Nagisa cooking them a hot breakfast and watching as the snow covered the ground outside.  
  
"I think it'll stick." Nagisa said, "Tomorrow we could build a snowman."  
  
"Mhm." Jataro swung their clasped hands together. In the distance, his apartment building came into view. His stomach filled with snakes and wasps at the thought of Nagisa leaving him soon.  
  
They walked the rest of the way in silence. At the bottom of the stairs that lead up to the doors of apartments, they stopped, facing each other. Nagisa took both of Jataro's hands in his own, warming them up.  
  
"Are you going to stay the night?" Jataro asked him. That sounded greedy and bad and he went to apologize but Nagisa spoke first.  
  
"Would you like me to?"  
  
Jataro could feel his stomach turning. He didn't want to manipulate Nagisa into staying with him if he didn't want to, but he also couldn't bear to watch him go.  
  
"It doesn't matter." Jataro lied, feeling just as bad as before. He hated lying to Nagisa. He hated himself.  
  
Nagisa's gaze dropped to the sidewalk, "Alright. I think I'll head home, then."  
  
Oh, god, what had he just done?  
  
"Alright." Jataro said, voice void of emotion--disappointment, "I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
Nagisa looked up to meet his eyes again, forcing a smile, "I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
Nagisa pulled his hands away from Jataro's, leaving him cold again. Cold and disgusting and terrible--  
  
Nagisa brought a hand up, gently, gently pushing a strand of hair back behind Jataro's ear. He held his breath.  
  
"I'll wait to go until you're inside." he told him, dropping his hand and taking a step back.  
  
Jataro's mind was spinning, "Okay,” he breathed, “I'll see you tomorrow."  
  
"See you." Nagisa agreed again.  
  
And they departed. Jataro climbed the stairs to his door, fumbling with the keys and letting himself inside, kicking himself over and over and over for not asking Nagisa to stay.  
He looked over his shoulder at the road, where Nagisa stood watching him. Jataro gave him a final wave and ducked inside, angry at himself.  
  
He slammed his front door closed, all the built up self hate pouring from his mind. He threw off his coat and gloves and hat and went straight for his spare bedroom that was riddled with art supplies. He flicked the light and sat down in front of a blank canvas. He grabbed a paint brush, fingers stiff from the cold, and dipped it in dry paint nearby.  
  
He slashed across the canvas, not drawing any color and sighed. He looked around for a cup of paint water and found one on his desk nearby and went back to work, filling the canvas with shades of bloody anger.  
  
He spent all night painting, wondering what was wrong with him. He was so close to having what he wanted. So close to waking up next to Nagisa. And he ruined it. He ruined everything. There wasn't a single thing in the world that would work out for him because he was garbage. Everyone else thought so too.  
  
He sent Nagisa home by himself in the cold because he was stupid and now he’d be lucky if Nagisa ever spoke to him again. He didn’t deserve Nagisa. He didn’t deserve anything. He was better off dead.  
  
He sighed in frustration, letting the sound burn his throat and harsh his ears until he couldn’t stand it anymore.

He fell asleep in his art room that night, surrounded by the self hate he had etched into canvas and discarded winter clothes. In the morning, he would apologize. In the morning, he would feel better.


End file.
